Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
You Might Also Like
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels