Some of y’all tomorrow …
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i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space