i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
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I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
A woman drives into a bar.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything