If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
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Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.