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It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!