Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
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if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300