[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
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WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Every haunted house movie:
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]