Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
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🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning