23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page