23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
![]()
You Might Also Like
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
It be like that sometimes 😆
![]()
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]