[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
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My boss called in sick of me
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either