At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
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I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
me logging onto twitter
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*