My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
You Might Also Like
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Home is where your toilet is.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance