my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
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on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…