i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
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Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.