My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Good morning, Twitter x
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud