The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
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[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
Okay me first
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
still the best tweet of the year by far
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.