[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
You Might Also Like
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
no their not
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Pigeon open mic night.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
these two trucks have the same bed length
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
me refusing to leave twitter
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.