C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
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If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
“Bear with me”
-A Russian bear trainer
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?