C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
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No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.