A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
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coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Shortcut
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.