People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
Living the best life.. 😊
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Omg 🤣