Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
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If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.