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Merilly
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MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
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“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.