Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.

So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.

Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”

Me: nah

Husb: you could create your own cult

Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god

ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.

Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.

This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪

Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.

[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.

[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!

I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!

I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks

Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!

Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*

The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.