Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Why I divorced her.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.