Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe