Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”