Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
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I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
He’s never gonna let me down.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Wife: When pigs fly!
Do I wish for flying pigs?
Con: High bacon prices
*starts building catapult
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!
Thursdays on Fox
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.