going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
giddy up Office Depot
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question