*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
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My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
Thinking about Jeff
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
he’s sick of your bullshit today
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*