Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
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The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
#titanic
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
People on Twitter: OMG I love how confident you are
Me: [playing trivia at a bar by myself because I assume people don’t want me on their team even though two groups of friends literally asked me to join their teams] yep
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.