Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Hamburger Hinderer.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here