Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*