“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
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Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
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my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.