“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE