“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
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Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.