I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
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the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
definitely did not do anything wrong
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi