Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold