went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
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I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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4.
5.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL