“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
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I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
when mom throws a party…
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
San Francisco has too many rules
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.