Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
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My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
thank god
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?