I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
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Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I only treason on days ending in y
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.