You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
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ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
What if the weather talks about us?
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
These are too funny not to post 😂
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.