You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
[adds another nod to the conversation]
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.