WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
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HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.