The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Broom by every window for quick escape.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
My whole life was a lie.