My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
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ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Banana is the quietest snack
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Bloody internet 😳
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.