“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
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Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.