[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
*3.5 thank you very much.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
me irl
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa