me irl
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Living the best life.. 😊
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.