Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
when u come home smelling like another dog
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.