Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
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ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus