*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Happy Caturday!
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.