If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
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Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
That’s what I call a flat tire
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.