Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
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e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?