*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
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My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
The real reason evolution started..😂
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.