[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
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Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver