[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
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I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
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K A R E N.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*